This is the last installment in our “Out of the Darkness” testimony series. You can view all of the posts using the link below:
Out of the Darkness Testimony Series
I write it in the hope it may be of value to those who have not experienced what I have and also to chronicle another puzzle-piece of the falling away of the church.
Out of the Darkness {Personal Testimony} – Part 9
At night, each inmate was given a blanket and a pillow and we slept on the cold floor. The lights never went out, but they were dimmed. At that moment, I felt God’s presence in the room and He asked if I would do ministry for Him. I remember at the time thinking it was the funniest thing I had ever heard. I started thinking maybe I would do a prison ministry. How many felons could there be diligently studying the Bible? Then I wondered why me? I did not know much about the Bible. I felt that I had knowledge and skills in other areas, but bible and theology were not my expertise. Surely, there were scores of people already doing ministry work and some of these people had fancy degrees and decades of being in church. I did not have an answer to any of those objections. But, I said yes.
Within a few minutes, the door buzzed and opened. My dad bailed me out. I wrote a bit about the ordeal on an online forum I visit in a post entitled “This Country is Dead” (http://www.goldismoney2.com/threads/this-country-is-dead.54465/).
With much trepidation, I have decided to write about my current situation here, perhaps as a warning to others and perhaps as a social discussion about the policies currently being implemented, and perhaps just to wrap my head around what is happening.
Up until a few months ago, I had been living with my girlfriend of eight years. Our relationship had been rocky and was never smooth sailing. For the entire time, I supported her financially and emotionally to the best of my ability. There’s a good deal I could get into here about relationship dynamics, psychology, gender roles, and my theories on why this happened, but I’m not going to because at this point it is largely irrelevant.
One day we got into an argument that resulted in the neighbor calling the police. The next morning, I was showing my girlfriend some aspects about a car repair I had done and discussing what needed to be done on the vehicle. I was on a creeper underneath the vehicle and apparently the cops didn’t see me when they arrived. The cops had parked about a half block away from the house and asked my girlfriend to go with them. I waited for a few minutes on the porch and intuitively decided to take a walk. Several hours later, I came back and found six different police vehicles surrounding the road to the house. So, once again I left.
The area where I lived was in a national forest and I was well aware of the trails in the area, so I took a hike and camped rough for a day. The next day I took a bus into the nearest large town and checked into a hotel. I was in contact with my girlfriend by phone and she made it seem like the police overreacted and that it was a big misunderstanding. She visited my hotel room a few times and we called a few different attorneys to discuss the situation. Later when I was able to pull up the security cam footage from my home office, I realized the cops had ransacked the house and taken all of the guns and ammunition. I’m not going to post the footage just now, but they looked like imperial storm troopers, with several of them clearing a room with guns drawn.
The next afternoon I received a knock on the hotel door from the sheriffs. I was booked and put in a very well packed cell with a group of felony offenders. While I was incarcerated, I was handed a paper from an officer with a temporary protective order. Apparently, my girlfriend did not authorize it but it was authorized for her by a judge or court official.
My bail was set very high. I still can’t believe what they thought I was worth. I’ve never been in legal trouble before, do not do drugs, or have any alcohol problems. Fortunately, my dad bailed me out and I hired an attorney the next day. For this, I am eternally grateful. I would have lost my employment had I not been able to get out. My dad has also been very kind in letting me stay at his house while this thing gets worked out.
A few weeks later and the temporary restraining order has expired, I initiate contact with the girlfriend again, this time by text message only to determine what bills need to be paid and how I can recover some of my work equipment and clothes. I was able to make it to the house once with an officer to keep the peace. It was basically a snatch and grab operation where I had about 30 minutes to grab whatever I could to fit in the car. During this time, my girlfriend became agitated with both me and the officer and then broke down crying and apologized for the whole mess. The officer then chided my girlfriend for not having filed a permanent restraining order.
A week later, the sheriff showed up at my dad’s house to serve me with papers for a permanent restraining order. In it, my girlfriend claims that I harassed and threatened her after the temporary restraining order expired which is a complete lie. I have had no access to a vehicle. The house is about 75 miles away from where I am staying right now. And, I have documented and photographed my evidence of my only communications with her — the text messages related to paying the bills and collecting my belongings.
For a while, I felt pretty confident that I could have the restraining order removed because she perjured her testimony and I could prove I had no other contact with her along with witnesses, evidence, etc. My lawyer later told me to let it go and that the restraining order was unwinnable. Apparently, the proof for a judge to accept a restraining order is for the “victim” to make a statement that they “feel” their life may be endangered. The judges don’t seem to care if there is false testimony and after doing some research, I have found some articles online from our own justice system stating that about 75% of all restraining orders contain false testimony. In a hearing the judge would give me about three minutes of time to speak and be questioned in order to make a decision.
The justice system considers this to be an “err on the side of safety” thing as there are cases of people being injured/killed before judges handed these things out so freely, but I would have to question the efficacy of such a system. I would put it in the same picture as gun laws. Laws only apply to people who follow them.
With that, I have lost my 2nd amendment rights, my 4th amendment rights, and my right to question a person who has made allegations against me. I am no longer able to return to my house, yet I keep paying the rent and the bills. My restraining order is a matter of public record so it may be used against me to deny renting a house/apartment, buying a house, to gain employment, etc. And, even when it expires, it will still be a matter of permanent record which can be used to deny me access to anything one might apply for in society.
After a week, my dad returned to the house with some moving help to collect my personal belongings. A decent number of items I paid for are gone along with my precious metals collection. She took my car as well. I’m not sure I could even file a civil suit against her as the restraining order says I cannot have any contact with her, attempt to find her residence, or even contact through a third party. There’s a good chance the statute of limitations will have expired by the time the restraining order has expired.
In a few more weeks, I will appear in criminal court and see what I have been charged with. The DA’s office has a policy to always press charges, even though my girlfriend has said she would not press charges. I have been told they will prosecute me with or without her as a witness or cooperating party.
Because this is an open case, I’m not going to comment on any specifics except to say that I’m not a wife beater, I didn’t hurt her, and I feel my actions would pass a reasonable person test — i.e. what another person would/could do in my situation. Unfortunately for me, the whole case comes down to my word vs. her word.
In short, this whole thing feels like a Kobayashi Maru (link for those not familiar with it —http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kobayashi_Maru). After doing a lot of research, the most likely thing that will happen is my attorney plea-bargains for me and I pay some fines, get into a 52-week counseling program, and stay on probation for a while. If this happens, I will permanently lose my 2nd amendment rights.
The only other option is a jury trial which I can’t afford right now, although I may be able to if I can push this thing off several months and save up some money. If I am found guilty, there is a good chance I will end up incarcerated for a few years as I am told judges like to impose harsher sentences on those who fight the system. There are a lot of nuances involved in a jury trial and if she were to take the stand and start crying, there’s a good chance I end up in the pen regardless of what really happened.
To conclude, I am absolutely disgusted with our legal system. Innocent until proven guilty is a myth. The bill of rights is absolutely dead. And, only those with deep pockets have a chance at justice. Even if I do get a jury trial and have my name cleared, I still have had many sleepless nights, several bouts of waking up and not being able to stop shaking, PTSD-symptoms, and a countless amount of money down the drain.
This country is in the toilet.
As for my girlfriend, I do not intend to ever see or speak to her again. The state will be a much better husband for her than I could ever be. And, she can find another boyfriend to prey upon.
When I was in county detention, I had a few hundred dollars in cash. When I was released, they gave me back $40 and a non-endorsed check for the remainder of the money. I was grateful to leave. I couldn’t cash the check because my personal account was seized by the tax authorities and the check had no endorsement. Once again, I felt the massive weight on my shoulders of trying to make my life work. My dad took me to see a lawyer and I spent most of my cash at WalMart buying a change of clothes and toiletries. After shaving in the McDonalds bathroom and donning my new clothes, I went to visit a client appointment I had delayed a few times due to my personal problems. I was normally very reliable with appointments. When I arrived at my dad’s house, I had two pairs of clothes, a few dollars in my pocket, my laptop and cell phone, and not even a toothbrush.
Life became extremely difficult for a while. The legal challenges were sobering. I fell back into bad habits. I had difficulty focusing on work. I had no car and my dad would drive me to client visits and occasionally I would walk or take a taxi. For a while, I had zero money because Ellie had closed the PO box and all of my mail was being returned to sender. Because the box was closed, I could not apply for a forwarding order. I still could not return to the mountain to gather my belongings. I gained weight and slept for most of the day and felt miserable. There were numerous visits to the courthouse, but never any charges filed. On one occasion, my dad and I visited the junkyard next to the courthouse as that was a hobby for me and I found my Mercedes in the junkyard, torn to pieces, with the good engine I just transplanted with the head missing and in a state of complete disrepair. It was settled that car would never be restored.
There were numerous logistical and legal challenges to moving out of that house. Eventually, Ellie abandoned the house of her own accord. Many of my possessions were missing. I did not file a police report because of the restraining order and my pending cases. Despite being robbed, I felt fortunate to not be incarcerated. Due to the restraining order, I could not come within a block of the house, so I hired people to move my items into storage and clean the house to conclude the lease agreement. It took numerous trips and resulted in large disordered piles of my old life put in storage 75 miles away from where I was living. It made me sick to my stomach to look at any of the storage.
Despite the ordeal, I believe God had arranged the entire episode to protect me and not the other way around. Without the space from my previous life, I would have never been able to think about and come to the conclusions that I did. I simply did not have the mental luxury of a few minutes to come to this place in my life before.
While doing research for my legal case, I found a link between narcissists and restraining order abuse. I started reading the work of Sam Vaknin and watched the entire eight hour police interrogation of the Jodi Arias and Travis Alexander case. Jodi was the spitting image of Ellie and they behaved nearly identically. After much reading and speaking to various people, I realized I am an ACON (Adult Child of a Narcissist). I don’t read much into labels or psychological diagnoses, but in this case, it fit like a glove so to speak. I began to read the case history of other ACONs and realized it was very depressing as the stories were always the same and there were numerous reasons why it was nearly impossible to break free from the parameters.
Eventually, life took on the appearances of some level of transient normality again. I continued to study my Bible. I lost weight. I bought a very nice low-mile diesel Mercedes from a barn in Hemet. The District Attorney’s office declined to press charges on my criminal cases due to lack of evidence.
One day God told me I needed to be praying more. Initially, I took it to be a sort of threat, but I did start to pray more. While driving to visit a client on the freeway, I stopped paying attention to traffic and almost hit the car which was stopped ahead of me. As I looked up, I saw the car stopped ahead of me and experienced slamming on the brakes but not consciously. I did not personally do it, but the car did stop and avoided an accident!
I filed Chapter 7 bankruptcy with a competent, kind attorney who did not die on me and I received my bankruptcy papers. I was able to spend some time traveling. And, business started to pick up. Until this point, I was keenly aware of the life situations I inherited, that I was cursed, and what other people had done to me. Despite all of this, I really strove to live a clean life. But, it was not enough.
I realized I made my life worse and I did not know how to be or to do other than what I had done. I had done my very best morally, strategically and in terms of personal effort and what resulted was an absolute failure. The life testimonies I heard from other ACONs frightened me. I realized my future would probably be similar to theirs if I did not change who I was.
I had done a considerable amount of personal development in my life, but personal development only changes externalities in life, not who you are on the inside as a person.
I was about to revert into prior patterns of sin in my life, but I waited and searched the Bible for answers. I asked God in earnest what to do. God responded by saying he had sent His son Jesus Christ who shed his blood for me at great cost. I did not fully understand, but I knew who God was at that point, that He meant what He said, that He had power over all things and that this was an important detail. I had no more idols in my life and no interaction with demons or bad doctrines and I knew that God worked through faith. My old life had already disintegrated. I had forgiven all of the people in my life to the best of my ability. And I knew I was a sinner who needed help and could not change who I was alone.
I believed. God said He was giving me the Holy Spirit.
For the next few weeks I felt absolutely elated. It was the first time I experienced joy in my life. Nothing had changed in my external life and there were still many problems, but I felt joyous. I felt as though I had been a dog who was beaten and abused by his old master and suddenly I had a new master who was gentle and kind and loved me. I also had a feeling of deep peace which was also new to me.
Life is still not perfect, but I have found in the years that followed, although my mental and emotional state may change temporarily and that I can and still do experience fear and anger – that they are always fleeing moments and my state always reverts back to a place of peace and joy.
I also became aware of God’s omnipresence within me and that in order to live with it, I needed to keep my life clean. I knew I did not need to fight to clear a path for myself in the world, but just to love God and follow Him and that He would make a path for me and show me the way. This part has been a process and God continues to work on me to perfect me from the inside out. I still do have a fleshly nature and am not perfect as a human being, but I know God wants to present me as blameless as He is and to strip away any ideas, habits or inclinations I have that prevent this.
Over time, my focus has shifted away from myself and onto the greater church. I just feel overwhelming sadness when I think of the modern church. I see people talking about taking God’s word in metaphors, denying that Jesus Christ is God, denying that Satan and demons exist and operate in the world, and that God will forgive all sins by praying a special prayer if you really mean it.
From my business work in managing church computer networks, I can testify I have seen a much lower standard for the church than the world. Church history would seem to indicate this is a fairly new development. I have witnessed staff steal church equipment and get away with it. Another staff member took control of the church’s internet domain which brought down the entire website, all e-mail and web donations. In one church, the elderly pastor left his wife to marry a very young woman. When some in the church objected, he caused a church split. I do not mean to imply this is representative of everyone in the modern church, but what does it say when the people doing these things are in positions of leadership?
They do not appear to be aware their actions will one day be explained before their Creator. In private business, the boss will fire you for disciplinary problems, but the modern church has a lower standard because not matter what you do, Jesus will always forgive you. I have also seen permutations of Christian yoga, Christian meditation, Christian prosperity gospel, and Christian participation in Halloween. You cannot yoke God with Satan. The two kingdoms war against each other in this world . . . and then there WILL be a final separation.
I believe the occultists are working with the power of the real demons while the majority of so called Christians are playing dress-up, make-believe religion on Sunday. I still do not know what ministry God envisioned for me while I was incarcerated, but I feel a sense of sadness and love for those who are in the spiritual position I came from. I am but one man and there is a limit to what I can accomplish, but I know there are no boundaries to what can be done by the power of Jesus Christ.
It was not easy for me to put this together . . .
but it is my prayer it does reach someone who can use it for their own salvation and that it glorifies my Father in Heaven.
We believe in the inerrancy and sufficiency of the Scriptures. Jesus said, “Thy Word is truth.” And so we not only believe it, we also base our worldview upon it.
Donna Wray says
I want to thank the author of this document, for being vulnerable and willing to share for the glory of God. He is awesome and so faithful to anyone who sincerely seeks Him. God be praised!!! I pray this author will continue to grow closer to our Master and be truly led by Him. Blessings, Donna
The Editors says
Yes! We will let him know!