We know this author’s story is a candid one, but we wanted to let him explain it in his own words as much as possible – and to show what it was that God, through His sovereign grace and mighty power, saved this man from. This series is lengthy, but an amazing reminder that God STILL works!
In case you missed the previous posts in “Out of the Darkness” series . . . the links are as follows:
I write it in the hope it may be of value to those who have not experienced what I have and also to chronicle another puzzle-piece of the falling away of the church.
Editor’s note: The writer of this testimony tells of God speaking to him. Like he mentions, this is controversial. Does God speak to us? For He did speak to various of His people in the Bible. However, with deception rampant in the church and many people claiming God is speaking extra-biblical things to them – how can we know? We need to be cautious about putting God in a box – He is supreme, He will do what He will. When a person has no way of knowing the truth or receiving it, yet they want it with all their heart, we believe God will do what He can to get that truth to them. That is where this author found himself at this time – wanting truth and having no one to give it to him. He turned to God in complete sincerity – searching. John 16:13 says, “Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will shew you things to come.”
Perhaps it would be wiser for us to define God’s voice by what it is not. We know He will not speak through any practice that He has forbidden in the Holy Scriptures – Deuteronomy 18:9-12 give nine specific practices that are forbidden, including consulting familiar spirits. The occultic practices and those deriving from the New Age and eastern mysticism would fall under that category such as channeling, contemplative/centering prayer, automatic writing, transcendental meditation, etc. (We hope to give more information on these later) These practices that derive from the side of evil are warned against in Scripture and will only open the person up to demonic influences. We are also commanded to test the spirits in I John 4:1 “Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.” Let us be faithful in seeking God’s will, hearing when He does speak through His Word and Spirit, and doing it all within biblical parameters.
Out of the Darkness {Personal Testimony} – Part 8
I realize this is controversial in the modern church, but it is not so in the bible. God spoke to Moses, Abraham, Jonah, and Paul and many others. And He spoke to me as well. He asked me not to work on Sunday and to spend it in rest and reading the bible. On Sunday, I would go to a place in the forest God had appointed for me and say the Lord’s prayer. I still did not know how to pray. God was there and He spoke to me with great power. He showed me the power He had in my life and in the lives of others.
Some questions He would answer immediately and others He would answer by means of leading me into a life experience that would answer the question. When He answered a question, I had no doubt who was answering or that the answer was true. He showed me that he knew all things, past and future and was in control of everything. He knew who I was and was expecting me to be where I was in my life. And for the first time in my life, I felt a great peace that I was in communication with my Creator and that He cared for me. To this day, I feel these experiences were truly a privilege and wonder why I was valuable enough for Him to care.
As best I can recall, these were the only times when I spoke to God directly like this and it did not last long. It was probably about five or six Sundays and then I left the mountain. Since then, I have had a certain type of dialogue with Him, but it has been different. I didn’t know how to pray then, so I just spoke to Him. There was a good while where I was shown His attributes, that He was capable of providing for me and that my personal attributes — however smart or strong I was, how much money I had, whatever I could do as a person as far as effort — were really irrelevant, because that was His role to provide and my role to follow. A number of the answers to my questions did and continue to come through third party sources.
He taught me the parable of the potter and the clay. He told me that He had custom built me for a purpose, like a specialized tool or instrument and that everybody was built for a special purpose and that was why there was such a wide range of diversity in human skills, experience and abilities. He said life was a limited partnership with Him where He would do the majority of the work, but you had to hold up to your part as well. I asked Him why evil people were in charge of the world. He told me not to worry about it because the duration of their rule here was as short as a cheap drug high in the grand scheme of things. I started spending time daily reading my Bible and endeavoring to understand exactly what it meant.
I’ve given a lot of thought to why God communicated with me in the manner He did. I think in the beginning I was very distrustful of pretty much everyone and very alone. I was also at the end of my rope in terms of my life. I was willing to try *anything* to get out of my curses. I also think I had painted myself into a corner with my life, so to speak. I was nearing the end of bankruptcy, my business was failing, my home life was extremely stressful, etc. And, the only way for me to get right with all of those things was to destroy them which was very painful and I needed a lot of help from other people at the same time. I don’t think I would have trusted a human being to make the decision to leave and not try to return to my vomit. My impression was that God needed my consent and either wanted or needed me to act by faith in order to destroy my old life and produce something new for me.
I believe that in order to receive personal guidance, you have to have your life ordered in a way that pleases Him. If He is the rock and the foundation, and you live your life disregarding His ways, what is there to build on? The Bible is the absolute moral authority, but I believe God can and will communicate with individual believers at His pleasure in order to furnish them with whatever tools are necessary for their needs and to further the gospel message, although certainly never in contradiction to the Bible.
Over time, I became convicted that it was a sin to be living with a woman to whom I was not married. I never thought of it as a sin before. Marrying her was not an option. The problem was I just did not know how to extricate myself from the relationship. I had no money. My car was titled in Ellie’s name as I did not want the IRS to take it. My bank account had already been seized by the California tax authority. I doubted my ability to rent an apartment because my credit was ruined. I did not know of anyone I could call for help. There were also major logistical challenges to moving my property and Ellie would not be peaceful or amicable to the process.
God responded by saying that my weakness was His strength. 2 Corinthians 12:9 He then asked if I would take Jacob’s crutch on His behalf. I did not understand what He was asking for and I am still not sure I fully understand the ramifications. I pled with Him not to hurt me and that if I was unable to work, nobody would care for me. He told me to read up on it and give a response. A week later, I responded in the affirmative. I figured at this point I had tried everything else and my life was in shambles. I wanted to leave my misery. What could possibly go wrong that had not already? I burned my idols because I knew they were wrong.
This was my first time stepping out in faith.
Shortly thereafter, the transmission in my car massively failed and split chunks of the casing out so I did not even have a rebuildable core. From the New Mexico incident, I still had the transmission from my old car at home, although there were some technical differences that made the spare part weaker than the original. While I was at the mechanic’s office considering my options, God asked me to put it into the car. I thought it was a crazy idea and that it would fail, but I figured I had come so far to find God and that I might as well try it out and see what would come of it. I questioned how faithful God was being to me at this moment, but I followed Him based on faith. My mechanic put the spare transmission into the car. The replacement did not have the same number of clutch plates as the other turbocharged version and was not capable of handling the extra torque from the turbocharged engine. The car did drive, but it had a hard time shifting. It would grind while climbing the mountain grades. I learned to depend on God when I was driving the car and I was very aware of how dependent I was on Him every moment I was driving the car.
That transmission did fail, although it lasted longer than I predicted. On the day it failed, I went with Ellie to the local grocery store to buy soda. It was a small town. I knew the guy working behind the counter and he greeted me with “Hey, Mr. Mercedes”. Ellie did not take kindly to the remark. She mentioned that he had blatantly ignored her and than accused me of not mentioning to him that I had a girlfriend. There were many other accusations leveled and she was yelling and screaming at me the entire night. Much like my prior experiences with my mother, this was a regular situation, almost to the point of semi-normality.
She would normally forget about it by the next day and this incident was no different. On September 11, 2013 we were talking cordially again and we went outside so I could show her some details pertaining to a repair I did on her car. The hood of the car was up and I was on a creeper underneath the car pointing at things under the hood. A sheriff’s deputy walked by and asked if she would come to speak with him. To this day, I still wonder if he saw me. I sat down on the steps leading up to the house and waited. I just figured she would explain what happened and then return. Then, I got a horrible feeling and realized all of the complaints she normally leveled at me might be directed towards the officer.
I grabbed my wallet, keys and cell phone and left out on foot to the forest. I spent the night out there and wondered who I could call or what to do. I did not have a single friend anywhere. The next day, I took client calls and helped people with computer problems while wondering how much longer my cell phone battery would last. It felt good to be talking to people I knew, but I mentioned nothing of my predicament. I did not have my dad’s phone number, but I e-mailed him and eventually spoke with him briefly on the phone just to let him know where I was.
I took a bus down the mountain into San Bernardino and checked into a dilapidated motel. I was experiencing a lot of mental and emotional stress and did not know how to process all of the recent events. I made contact with Ellie and she would not say anything about what she said to the sheriffs. Eventually, she agreed to meet me at WalMart. At this point, I looked like just another grungy homeless person on the street in San Bernardino. I was wearing my mechanic work clothes streaked with dirt and oil. My sandals were falling apart. I hadn’t showered for days. After charging my phone, I pulled the security camera footage from my home office and found sheriffs searching the whole house with guns drawn.
Ellie then told me they put her in the back of the sheriff car and searched the house without her permission. She and I then went back to my hotel room and we both called an attorney that specializes in firearm-related cases using her cell phone. She seemed genuinely angry that the police had taken both of our guns and kept emphasizing the injustice that our guns were seized without due process. The next day, she returned and brought my laptop as I requested so I could continue working.
The following day, the sheriffs knocked at the door to arrest me.
Dressed in a bright orange jumpsuit, I was prepared for booking into the felony cell with about 30 other men. Space was tight. I was given my paperwork showing two felony charges and a bail amount of $50,000. The legal charges were nearly identical to those leveled at Ellie’s previous boyfriend eight years prior. I was not planning to get out any time soon. I did not know the legal ramifications, but I knew I couldn’t afford help and that I would probably be there for at least a few years. I started to feel very calm and tranquil after surrendering to that idea. I didn’t know what to do about my business and the problems in my life and how to deal with Ellie, but I had no qualms about being stuck in a cell with a bunch of violent offenders. It felt like I was casting away all of my worldly problems and wouldn’t have to worry about my debts, client problems or an angry girlfriend.
To be continued . . .
We believe in the inerrancy and sufficiency of the Scriptures. Jesus said, “Thy Word is truth.” And so we not only believe it, we also base our worldview upon it.