We know this author’s story is a candid one, but we wanted to let him explain it in his own words as much as possible – and to show exactly what it was that God, through His sovereign grace and mighty power, saved this man from. This series is lengthy, but an amazing reminder that God STILL works!
In case you missed the previous posts in “Out of the Darkness” series . . . the links are as follows:
I write it in the hope it may be of value to those who have not experienced what I have and also to chronicle another puzzle-piece of the falling away of the church.
Out of the Darkness {Personal Testimony} – Part 3
I stopped going to high school at the time. I arrived to my morning classes, did not participate, and then would leave campus for the day. Despite being absent, I was given Fs in each class and never graduated from high school. My whole life was a cloud of confusion and pure terror. I started wearing all black clothes, did not want to talk to or be seen by other people and had no friends. I felt dirty all the time. I took multiple showers each day, but just couldn’t seem to wash the feeling of filth off. I felt embarrassed, extreme shame and was very depressed. I was unable to articulate why I felt that way to myself or others.
And then I felt suicidal. I had a bus pass from the school and one day just rode the bus all day until I came to the last stop at the beach by Balboa Island. I spent the whole time just wishing I could die while watching happy people at the beach, wishing I could be one of them or at least a bird so I could fly away. But, I didn’t want to die. I just wanted to escape.
I missed the last bus home and when it was getting dark, I called my mother, asked her for a ride home and told her I felt suicidal. She did come and spent the entire drive back yelling about how worthless I was and how I inconvenienced her by forcing her to drive out of her way. She also had me committed to a hospital twice. I don’t remember much of anything on the circumstances, but I believe it was along the same line as the earlier 911 calls. I flunked out of an entire semester of college classes due to my absence.
On one occasion at the hospital, a staff member told me to take medication different from what I had been prescribed. I refused. The staff member called about a dozen people to physically haul me into a room, strapped me stomach down onto a bed with restraints, pulled down my pants and gave me a huge injection in the buttocks. I stayed there for about a week in and out of consciousness, largely unaware of my surroundings, where I was and whether it was day or night. I was later informed by a few people they should not have done this.
From there, my dad came to give me a ride home. Somewhere around that time, my mind created some rather sizable amnesic barriers. To this day, my memories as an adult of my mother are limited. When someone asks about her, I have feelings of extreme terror, helplessness, shame, massive headaches and nausea. The few times I have processed clear memories of her as an adult have been accompanied by uncontrollable shaking and sobbing.
Despite not having any contact with her for a decade, she still calls regularly or attempts to call and send letters. Because of this, I have call screening on my business lines and I block her number each time she calls. When she calls from a new number, she will leave a voicemail telling how much she loves me and misses me. I usually feel guilty as I call my phone provider to ask them to block the new number. She has had mutual contacts call me on her behalf including intruding into my business affairs. To this day, I am fearful she will find out where I live and the few times I have driven through the small town I grew up in, I feel nauseas and sick to my stomach.
At some point in the hospital, I realized something really horrible was happening to me and that despite a facade of establishment and authority, the institution and staff were not credible and were actively working to deceive me. They told me I would need to take medication for the rest of my life and be under constant supervision. I was still young and inexperienced with the world, but I realized the deception was some sort of mind virus that spread and that unless I fully accepted truth, I would end up living in a similar state of bondage later in life. I had the same revelation numerous times later with my mother. I learned that I was on my own in life and to distrust and fear authority, and that most people do not think for themselves.
When I was released from the hospital, my dad came to give me a ride. He said they had no right to do what they did and that I didn’t belong in there. After being out for a while, I stopped taking my medication cold turkey. My life became more inward, contemplative and philosophical. I kept away from other people, avoiding contact, partially due to fear and shame of being associated with my mother and partially due to fear and mistrust of other people. As I spent more and more time alone, I realized most people would not understand anything of my life which further isolated me. I became keenly aware that nearly everything promoted as truth was anything but, and started to search for where there was any truth. That search led me to different cultures, languages, ways of life and religions. I was miserable in my day-to-day life and depressed. I felt like a prisoner and wanted to be free, physically and mentally.
As part of my educational deal with the state, at age 13, I was required to attend college instead of high school. In college, I was a decent student, very inquisitive and intellectually curious but lackluster in memorizing minutiae or pleasing the idiosyncrasies of professors. I took mostly coursework that interested me rather than pushing to get a degree. I was so far ahead of classwork in my age-group that I wasn’t overly invested in getting a degree over a personal education. My real education was in combing through the libraries of colleges in a mostly pre-internet world and the coursework was what was necessary to be there as a student.
In order to graduate, I needed to take a second semester English class that was not readily available at my local college. My mother would not let me as a minor get a drivers license. Instead, she sent me to stay with her friend who lived right next to Cal State Long Beach.
I saw this man as a father or uncle sort of figure. Ned was an ex-hippie and knew my parents when they were younger. He was also married with a daughter and held a respectable professional job. He gave me the book Atlas Shrugged which had a profound impact on my life and made me even more despondent with humanity, but I did see truth in the writing. The main premise of objectivism is that altruism does not exist and that all actions taken by man are selfish. Ned also taught me transcendental meditation (TM) with both mantras and yantras as well as use of the I-Ching. The meditation did help my sense of well-being, but it was work and the more work I put into it, the more issues would come up.
The TM (transcendental meditation) was my sort of introduction into occult practices. Until then, it was mostly academic reading. Ned also taught me how to drive a car. One day, Ned was at a business event and had too much to drink. He called me to say he loved me and wanted to take the relationship further. That never did happen.
My association with Ned was complex. He was a visual artist and rather cryptic in his work. He later stated his inebriated call was just the alcohol speaking, but I much later found out his wife had temporarily separated from him due to his infatuation. We spent many hours discussing philosophy, free market economics, metaphysics and a great number of books we had each read on these topics. We also discussed investing and starting various types of businesses. We would regularly go hiking and his house was a place of refuge for me to escape my mother’s yelling.
I had hatched my first plan to escape.
To be continued . . .
Out of the Darkness Testimony Series
We believe in the inerrancy and sufficiency of the Scriptures. Jesus said, “Thy Word is truth.” And so we not only believe it, we also base our worldview upon it.